The Many Musings of Karen

Good News!

2005-03-28T07:12:00.000-05:00

Yay! So I got an email from Oberlin Conservatory of Music yesterday, and I've been accepted! How exciting. Of course, I can't possibly afford it, at 27,000 dollars a year. Eek! And it probably wouldn't be the most practical place for me to study for the undergraduate level - so much competition, especially with such a large graduate program. But just to have been accepted makes me happy. Yay!

How Funny

2005-03-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

Hehe. Katie showed me this article, and I thought it was quite funny. She emailed Michael the article, too - he'll think it's funny. Actually, if anything he might be sad he didn't think of the idea first. Haha. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4382245.stm http://www.banksy.co.uk/

The Music Man!!!

2005-03-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

I have another announcement. Sanderson's spring musical, The Music Man, will be April 7, 8, and 9 at 7:00 pm. Tickets are eight dollars (sorry it's so pricey), and I'm playing Marian (the librarian - hehe). Hope to see you there, everyone!

Senior Voice Recital

2005-03-24T13:02:00.000-05:00

So I've finally decided on a date and time for my senior recital! It will be Saturday, May 14th at 4:00 pm in the sanctuary at my church. I'm so excited! Ms. Charlton and I have basically mapped out the program, I've made invitations, and I think I even know what I'm going to wear. Haha. So excited. Anyway, I'll post a reminder about it in May, but everyone who reads this should put it in their calendar right away - I'd better see you all there! : P

I Needed This

2005-03-20T20:02:00.000-05:00

Wow, tonight's Bible study was awesome. I hadn't prepared anything at all for it (I lead my small group, along with Lisa, who wasn't there tonight), so I started off basically trying to get them to bring up a topic of discussion themselves. And they did - and it was incredible. We talked about choice and free will, and why God would give us choice (why He would've even given Adam and Eve the option of sinning or not) if He knows that some of the choices we may make aren't good ones. And about the ways that He can help lead us (indirectly or directly) to the right path, even if we take some detours. And about predestination, and whether God is like a clock-maker or a chess player.....we tend to use analogies to describe what we want to say. Especially Reed, who I have now named "Mr. Analogy." Haha. The discussion went along those lines....but it's really quite hard to explain the whole discussion because it just went from one thing to another (along with some tactful questions from me). It was great, though.

The more I think about tonight's Bible study (which was supposed to last half as long as it ended up lasting), the more I realize how much I need discussions like this one. I've missed these sort of in-depth conversations so much. I need them as reminders. It's so easy for me to get so busy with my life and my activities and my plans and my feelings that I get off-track. It's so easy for me to get away from this sort of questioning about life, and about my faith especially. Most importantly, it's so easy for me to get away from having prayer as a part of my life. So easy. I need discussions like tonight to get me thinking about what's really important to me....about how those things relate...and to remind me that the most important thing is prayer.

That's the one thing that keeps sticking out in my mind. It's something that Ryan said about the fact that it's so much easier to refer to God in third-person than in second-person. It's so much easier to say that "God wants this" and "God does that" than to actually talk with God. I know that's a really amorphous concept. Talking to God. Prayer. Wow. It's an uncomfortable concept, too, I think. Because it's hard to understand. Or, maybe it's because it's impossible to understand. Especially if you haven't experienced it. But for everyone, I'm sure. I know it's an uncomfortable concept for me. But when I actually let go of enough pride to start talking to God instead of about God...that's when it becomes worthwhile - real.

Hmm...

2005-03-10T19:05:00.000-05:00

Today was a weird day. I woke up (and continued through the day) worrying about my midterms. Then I had to finish my AP European History exam before school, which actually went well. But then I had to take my AP English exam, and I did miserably. I was no where near finishing, so I still have to finish it before school on Monday (which means more stressing until then, lovely). During Sandpipers, I had to start the class with warm-ups and reviewing "Ave Maria," and I just didn't have enough energy to deal with the class. I just couldn't do it. I didn't even notice when we went a half-step flat, which is weird for me! It reminded me a bit of last night at puppets. I normally enjoy puppets, but for some reason I could not handle their rowdiness last night! I just couldn't get them to settle down and work, and I didn't have the energy to even care all that much. I hate that feeling. And this afternoon, I even started stressing out about my Honors Earth Science exam, which is pretty stupid since I should've known I could do pretty well on that test (and what I didn't know, I could guess at). But I was just flustered and stressed out.

The one thing that helped me was when I realized today that as long as I pass English (I have a B right now!), I don't even need to worry about these things that are stressing me out. Well, the school-related things, anyway. I mean, I know I still will stress out about it. That's just the way I am, I guess. But I don't have to! As long as I pass English, it doesn't matter what grades I get, because I just want to graduate so I can go to college. And I already know I've been accepted to colleges, so there's nothing else I need to worry about with that for now.

So yeah, senioritis just sort of hit me today. This isn't like me, though. I mean, yeah, I'm often known as a slacker in my academic classes, but not this semester. I've been working my butt off, and I do want to keep that up. But it's times like these, when I just can't handle being this flustered, that I start to not care.

Tonight, when I got home from musical rehearsal, I went straight to the piano. That's the one thing that can always relax me. And I started playing....playing one of my songs, then some of my favorite Erik Satie pieces. But halfway through the second movement of "Pieces Froides ; Danses de travers" ("Cold Pieces ; Crooked Dances"), I just lost my motivation to keep on playing. I just stopped midway, and I didn't feel like going on. Maybe I'm just having trouble getting my mind off of other things that have been constantly running through my head lately. Ugh, and now my mom has taken over at the piano, so I can't even go practice again.

Why am I so restless and flustered? I can't figure it out. I don't even know what the point of this post is. There isn't any. Sorry you've already read it all the way through by now. That was a total waste of your time, I know. Sorry. Oh well.

Happy Birthday!!!

2005-03-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

Happy sweet sixteenth, Heather!

Coffee House!!!

2005-02-26T09:18:00.000-05:00

I should've posted this forever and a day ago, but it's better late than never. Tonight is the Sanderson Choral Department's fundraiser, "Coffee House." It's in Sanderson's small gym, from 7:00 to 9:00 pm. It costs 5 dollars to be admitted, and the night will consist of coffee, hot chocolate, baked goods, and entertainment. Not only will I be singing two songs, but there will be 13 other wonderful solos and duets. It's going to be a lot of fun, so please come, people! I'm so afraid that we'll put this production on, and no one will come. So yeah, if you need directions, go to mapquest. The address is 5500 Dixon Dr. Raleigh, NC 27609. I hope to see anyone who reads this at Coffee House tonight, and wish us luck!

Poem of the Day

2005-02-16T23:01:00.000-05:00

The Flight
by Sarah Teasdale

All through the deep blue night
The fountain sang alone;
It sang to the drowsy heart
Of the satyr carved in stone.

The fountain sang and sang,
But the satyr never stirred --
Only the great white moon
In the empty heaven heard.

The fountain sang and sang
While on the marble rim
The milk-white peacocks slept,
And their dreams were strange and dim.

Bright dew was on the grass,
And on the ilex, dew,
The dreamy milk-white birds
Were all a-glisten, too.

The fountain sang and sang
The things one cannot tell;
The dreaming peacocks stirred
And the gleaming dew-drops fell.

Tonight's Events

2005-02-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight turned out a lot better than I had expected. The lecture was fascinating, and I learned a lot of interesting things about Faust and opera in Paris in the mid-1800's. I was also glad to see Joel Adams and Ellen Williams there, both of whom I know from being in the chorus for Don Giovanni last summer. So yeah, I'm glad I went to the lecture, despite the fact that I was dreading going by myself. In fact, it was, without a doubt, the best part of my day.

How Awkward Will Tonight Be?....

2005-02-15T18:25:00.000-05:00

So I'm about to leave for a lecture at Meredith College. I wish I didn't have to go alone, but the only people who would be interested in a lecture entitled "From Popular Theatre to Grand Opera: Faust in Nineteenth Century Paris" are either busy or I can't get in touch with them. Oh well, I'm just going to go alone, I guess. I'll post more later.

If You Don't Understand, Don't Bother Asking

2005-02-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like writing anything of importance tonight. There's plenty I could write about, but I just don't feel like it. Maybe later. It's just been a weird day, and somehow I have no energy left now. Whatever.

Great Day

2005-02-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from Greensboro. I drove over last night and spent the night at Matthew's place, then had my audition for UNCG today. When I got to the music building, I was surprised to run into Sarah, Clare, and Courtney. It was really great to hang out with Sarah and Clare for part of the day (between auditions and everything).

My audition went really well, and the members of the voice faculty that were in my audition room were so nice and encouraging. Dr. Carroll (who's in charge of the opera productions at UNCG) was just as nice as Matthew's always said he is, and he gave me a lot of positive information about the program. Let's see, what else.....the lady in my piano placement session said I will be put into the second level of piano classes, which is good (I won't have to learn the simplest basics, but I'll still get to start basically at the beginning, which is what I need). Oh, and in my exit interview, I was told that I've been accepted to the School of Music for voice performance (yay!), and that I'm being considered for a merit-based scholarship!

You know, today has really helped me make my decision about where I want to go to school next year. Of the schools I've visited, I enjoy being in the music building at UNCG the most. I'm not even sure why.... In any case, now I'm just hoping for two things. One, I hope UNCG offers me a lot of money. Ha. And two, I hope I don't get accepted to Oberlin.

That sounds odd, I know, but if I get accepted, it'll force me to choose between the two schools. And I think I would be so excited about getting into such a prestigious school that I would lose my sense of logic that I have right now. Because right now, I really know that UNCG is the best option for me. I know they have a great voice faculty, I know they put on great operas every year, and, of course, the price is right. Going to Oberlin would be taking a chance in all three of those areas. And if I don't get accepted to Oberlin, then I won't have to rethink this whole thing.

And, like I said, it's not just that UNCG is practical...for some reason, I just really enjoy being there. It looks like I've basically made my decision, doesn't it?

It Would've Been Nice

2005-02-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

I was in the mood to sing jazz tunes tonight. So I was walking around the house, singing all the jazz I know, and my dad randomly said that he wishes I had known my grandfather (his father). He died about....I don't know, four years before I was born. Apparently my grandfather loved music more than anyone. He wasn't a trained musician or anything, but he had a naturally beautiful baritone voice. He was always singing around the house, and he had a passion for it. My dad said tonight that my grandfather would've loved to hear my voice and to hear me constantly singing, just like he did. He sounds so much like me (except for the fact that I'm a soprano - ha), and it really makes me wish I could have known him.

Only Five More Months!

2005-02-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

I meant to post this article back in December, but never got around to it.
~~~~~~~~
Sixth Harry Potter Book Due Out in July
12.21.2004, 02:20 PM

Get ready for publishing's ultimate blockbuster sequel: Harry Potter VI. Setting the stage for another round of midnight bookstore parties and marathon readings into the morning, the penultimate novel in J.K. Rowling's mega-selling series, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," will go on sale 12:01 a.m. on July 16 in the United States, Britain and four other countries, publishers said Tuesday.
........
"J.K. Rowling has written a brilliant story that will dazzle her fans in a marvelous book that takes the series to yet greater heights," said a joint announcement by Nigel Newton, chief executive of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc in England, and Barbara Marcus, president of Scholastic Children's Books in the United States.
The 2005 publishing date means the world will be spared the seemingly interminable three-year wait between Potter IV, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," and Potter V, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix," which came out in summer 2003.
........
For months, Rowling has been revealing details of her new book, naming the titles of three chapters - Chapter 2: Spinners End; Chapter 6: Draco's Detour; Chapter 14: Felix Felicis - and even confiding that one of her characters will not survive, although she refused to say who. Potter himself is safe, at least for now. Rowling has said her teenage hero will survive until the seventh and final book in the series, but has refused to say whether he will reach adulthood.
Only recently, the book's completion seemed far away.
In a message posted Dec. 10, Rowling said she had nothing "noteworthy to report, because I have been spending nearly all my time sitting in front of my computer writing, rewriting and taking the occasional break to bang my head off the desk in frustration or else rub my hands together in fiendish glee (I think the latter has happened once)."
~~~~~~~~
Yay! I'm so excited! Hahaha, and I know I'm an idiot for loving these children's books, but it's just so much fun to obsess about. : P

Update

2005-02-05T23:46:00.000-05:00

I wrote this quite a while back and failed to post it. It's completely unrelated to anything right now, but that's okay:
~~~~~~~~
So I'm halfway through my auditions for the spring musical ("The Music Man"), and I'm feeling pretty good about it. My singing went really well yesterday, and my monologue went well today! I distinctly remember one very brief moment as I was walking toward the center of the stage. At that moment, I thought about how odd it is that walking toward that spotlight in the center of darkness (as corny as this sounds), you feel like you're either pushing yourself toward a circle of triumph or an abyss of failure. But, whichever turns out to be your fate, you can't help but be confident in plunging head-first into that fate.

I remember feeling similarly when I was driving on the highway toward ASU a couple of months ago. I was by myself, I wasn't positive I was going the right way, I had never driven there before, and it was a ridiculously foggy night. It's hard to explain, but I felt like I was willingly driving into hell. Into the unknown. I couldn't see a thing, and yet I kept going. It was like I had to. What was left for me to do? Pull over on the side of the road? - I couldn't even see where that was. So I just kept on driving. It took so much....well, faith. To trust that I would come through safely. Well, not really even that. Because in those moments of unreasonable fear, you sometimes don't think you'll come out safely, and yet you're still confident. It's odd.
~~~~~~~~
So, to update, I got the lead female role in the musical (Marion - yay!), and I've completed my auditions for Oberlin, NC School of the Arts, and Furman (well, Boston Conservatory, too, but that was a CD that I sent). I also competed in the southern division of MTNA (Music Teachers National Association), and I won, so I'll be going to the National level in Seattle. Sheesh, I've been traveling sooo much lately. Haha. What else?.... My UNCG audition is this coming Saturday, and NATS is the Saturday after that. Then the Sanderson choral department's fundraiser, Coffee House, is the Saturday after that, which I'm getting quite worried about. But that's okay....

Classes are tough this semester. We're reading 11 books in AP English this semester, which I think is slightly ridiculous. I'm supposed to be finished with Crime and Punishment on Monday (for the test), but I'm not. But despite the crazy work load, it's a really good class! I'm enjoying it a whole lot! And AP European History is wonderful, of course. Goodwin's the greatest teacher ever. A genius, and so funny! Haha.

All in all, things are going really well. I've been getting a bit stressed about school, competitions, and auditions....but not as stressed as I would expect of myself. So yeah, I'm sorry I haven't posted in the last month. Obviously, I've been really busy. But I promise to post again quite soon. Toodles!

Shannon -

2005-02-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

I think you're right. Haha.

Stupid Fever....

2005-01-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick. It makes me feel like such a weak person. I guess that's something about my character, though. I like to think of myself as a strong person (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually), but I know it's not necessarily true. Maybe that's why I push myself with my schedule and everything - to make myself feel like I'm strong, since I can deal with that stress. But maybe I'm no stronger than the next person. Maybe I should own up to the fact that I'm no better at enduring mental and emotional hardships than I am at fending off physical sickness. That's why I hate being sick. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me feel like, no matter what I do, I can't help but be weak. I hate that.

Can't Think of an Interesting Title

2005-01-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

Thanks for posting, Meredith! And, amazingly, I appreciate the spelling correction. I don't know how I didn't notice that I typed it incorrectly. Anyway, thanks for commenting! And good words, too. : P

So....today was the first day of the second semester. It's going to be a pretty tough few months, if only because of AP English and AP European History. But I guess I'm glad to have a change. And, besides, I'm excited about Goodwin's class - he's such a great teacher, and I know I enjoyed his class last year.

Let's see....what else.... Oh! The spring musical auditions are next week, and I still haven't been able to find a one-minute monologue. I'm getting slightly scared about finding that, but I'm sure it'll all work out. At least I don't need to worry about how to find my song - I have a million music theater books, so that shouldn't be a problem.

But, yeah....I can't think of anything else that needs to be said, so I'm off to the piano to practice for my voice lesson tomorrow.

Schizophrenic Me

2004-12-30T22:43:00.000-05:00

Half of me is really annoyed that no one reads this thing (no one comments, so what else can I assume?). The other half of me wants to believe that it shouldn't matter whether anyone reads it or not. It just gets boring with no comments and no interaction whatsoever.

It's just boring, that's all.

Questions Leading To and From Happiness

2004-12-28T23:51:00.000-05:00

There's something I've been wanting to ask people for a while now. As I've come to the realization that this year is starting the process of my decision-making in my life (with relationships, education, and career choices), I've become sort of paranoid that making the wrong choices could lead to unhappiness. But I also understand that no one can avoid making some wrong choices throughout life, and yet people still manage to be happy afterwards. So here's what I've been very curious to ask adults that I know : "Are you happy?"

What sort of responses do you think I would get? I think a lot of people wouldn't quite see what I mean. I might even have to elaborate by saying something like : "With the choices you've made in your life, and the journey you've taken, are you happy with where you've arrived and where you're going?" And what would they say? Yes? No? Would they even think about it enough and answer me truthfully?

Maybe I'm just searching for some comfort. Maybe I just need to hear that people really can be happy with where they are after a lifetime of experiences. Because I'm so afraid of never finding that happiness. I mean, I'm happy right now. But as I grow as a person, I know I will need to discover exactly what can give me lasting happiness and satisfaction. What if I never find that? What if I grow out of the things I love now? What if, one day, I wake up and realize that I wish I had done things differently? I suppose everyone will feel that way to some degree, but I still want to be satisfied with my life on the whole when I'm older.

Or maybe I'm thinking too much. Haha. I mean, I am only seventeen. But, somehow, that doesn't seem like a good reason for disregarding these sorts of matters. I refuse to use my age as an excuse for sliding through life. The key to growing as an individual is to ask questions of life and of yourself in order to always learn something, or develop an opinion of something, or discover what you believe in. If you don't ask questions (of others, society, and yourself), you can't grow as a person. You will only become complacent with life, and you won't truly be living your life as an individual. Oh, but now I've gone off on a completely different subject. Excuse my rambling. But it is something to think about.

Dreams, Adventures, and Restlessness

2004-12-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I've realized during the break that at least half of my dreams have to do with being on an adventure. Why is that? ... Maybe I've always had a somewhat abstract but deep desire to be in some sort of adventure. I've always lived such a sheltered life...but I almost wish I hadn't. I almost want to have some obstacle, whether physical or mental, to overcome. Do I want to think of myself as heroic? Maybe, but I don't think that's it. I just want to experience something new, something different from the norm.

I sort of envy my cousin, Steven. He's leaving in February to hike the Appalachian trail. I can imagine that such a journey would be liberating, if not always fun. To push yourself physically, as well as mentally, like that. I don't know. Maybe I'm just bored with the way society works. The only kind of obstacles I'm bound to encounter in life are those that deal with having a successful career, financial situation, and relationships. And as admirable as those endeavours can be...they're not very exciting.

I know, I'm being contradictory. I'm the one who's always said that all I want out of life is to be happy - to find a career that I enjoy, to eventually marry and raise a family, and so on. I can imagine myself as being happy and content with that. But, at the same time, I sometimes feel this urge to have more. To go somewhere new, and to experience something that sets me apart from other people.

I do want an adventure in my life. I guess that's why I've always enjoyed hearing my parents talk about a lot of their experiences in Colombia and Taiwan. I mean, having to overcome language barriers, cultural barriers, and threats to our physical safety ... that's as close to an adventure as I can imagine outside of storybooks. You know?

I don't know, I think I'm just feeling restless now that I have a chance to relax. It's a nice change, but even so. Oh well.

My List

2004-12-27T23:38:00.000-05:00

First off, I must say I am quite proud of myself for having made the prediction that it would snow, because it did just that on Sunday! Haha.

Now, what to write about....

Okay, so I was looking through my journal (which I haven't written in for quite a while - bad on me). Anyway, I came across this page that I've been updating since the end of October. It's a list of words that I like. Most of them are just fun to say, and some are just interesting because they're seldom used in everyday speech. Anyway, I've been trying to add to it whenever I come across words I like (don't ask me why - I'm just weird like that). And, as I can't really think of much else to write about, I'll share some of my favorites from the list:

poignant, brazen, poise, gust, fluster, eerie, flourish, foilage, dire, effervescent, impish, odious, weild, mallady, irradescent, seep, scribble, sheer, pompous, solace, gnaw, melodious, opine, quirky, maniacle, awe, fathom, limerick, marred

And the list goes on. Haha, i'm such a dork. But hey, those are some fun words, are they not? Anyway, here's my challenge to anyone who reads this post. Come up with some words that I can add to my list, and post them! I need new vocabulary in my journal, and I want some ideas from other people. So I'll be waiting for posts, if anyone still reads this blog.

Merry Christmas

2004-12-24T23:54:00.000-05:00

It's going to snow! When I got home tonight, I looked up and saw this huge ring of light encircling the moon. It was like an incredible halo in the sky. It was so weird. But according to my mom, it's supposedly a sign of snow, so let's hope she's right!

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. Merry Christmas!

Let Me Sleep!

2004-12-24T02:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's 2:15 in the morning, and I really can't get to sleep. It's not that I couldn't physically sleep. The problem is that by the time I finally decided to go to bed a while ago, I laid down in bed and tried to shut my eyes....but then I heard this weird scratching noise from behind the wall next to the headboard of my bed. I swear there's a rat in the wall or something! I would say there was something outside, since my wall is on the outside of the house, but the noise is coming from the middle of the wall, not from the ground. And let me tell you, that is not the most soothing thing to listen to while trying to go to sleep. So now I'm at the computer again (thank goodness Michael's not home yet, or I wouldn't even be able to be in this room, since this is where he's sleeping).

Ugh, I just want to go to sleep. But this room is taken by Michael (once he gets back), the downstairs room is taken by Katie and Scott, my mom fell asleep on the couch in the living room (those snores - oh my gosh!), and my room has the infamous wall-rat scratching around. I suppose I could sleep in the family room downstairs, but my back always hurts after I do that. Haha - or maybe I'm just in the mood to complain this morning. Well, it is 2:15 am, after all - perhaps that's understandable.

You know, I'm not even that sleepy - I just know that I should get sleep. And you know what else is annoying? This post is completely pointless! I have nothing important to say at all. I'm just rambling to kill time in the middle of the night. Oh, lovely.... Stupid rodent.

To The Burritto

2004-12-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Barrett!

One More Thing

2004-12-20T20:03:00.000-05:00

So today I thought of something else I miss about being a kid. I don't mean to stay on this subject too much, but I think it is just too funny.

So here's what I have to add to my previous post : I miss being a kid for the pleasure of having no fashion sense whatsoever.

When I was little, I had this pair of turqoise leggings that I loved to wear. Haha - they were absolutely hideous. I don't know, maybe that was part of why I loved them. Haha. But I think it's a wonderful thing to be so innocent and unashamed of yourself that you don't really even realize that you look like an idiot when you wear something you like. Haha.

Oh Well

2004-12-19T19:44:00.000-05:00

You know, I'm not so sure anyone reads this blog anymore. Well, I know of one person who does still read it, and a few who might. But, in any case, maybe it's not a bad thing that I feel like that. It leaves more room for expression by taking away the need to impress.

Change, Perception, and Absolutes

2004-12-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Have I changed? I suppose I have, but I'm surprised anyone would see that. If anything, I think I've only become a more confident person. And if I didn't have you, I don't think that would've happened. I mean, I'm still unsure of myself in many ways and I still worry about making the right decisions. But, overall, I have become much more confident of what I want in life, what I believe, and who I am.

Or maybe that's just how my perception of myself has changed. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm absolutely sure of certain things, or if I'm really just blind to other possibilities. And is it a conscious decision -choosing to be blind? Am I trying to make things in my life absolutes because it's easier to understand them that way than when they're not so? It's a very abstract idea, I suppose.

I wish I knew how other people's perception of me has changed over the last few months. Maybe you're not the only one who's noticed a difference. I don't know if that's true or not, but it would be interesting to know.

Hmmm....reading over this post, it seems I'm not as confident as I had first depicted myself, huh?

Quotes of the Day

2004-12-17T23:54:00.000-05:00

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
~William Jennings Bryan

"Life does not happen to us, it happens from us."
~Michael Wicker

My Childhood

2004-12-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

It feels like Christmas Eve. I remember when I was younger, I would go to sleep fairly early on Christmas Eve - not because I believed in Santa Clause, but because I knew I would be waking up crazy early in the morning. Then, on Christmas morning, Matthew and I would always be the first to wake up (normally around four or five in the morning). We'd go and take our first glance at the tree in the dark living room, all lit up with white lights and towering over a huge pile of presents. Then we'd open up our stockings, which had any number of little things, but always had an orange. I don't know why an orange - I guess it was just a cheap thing to fill it up with. Haha. Then, once we got tired of waiting for our other siblings to get up, we'd wake them up. Once my parents got up, they would make breakfast, and we'd start opening presents. I think I enjoyed the whole family tradition of the morning just as much, if not more than the presents, actually. Haha.

Man, I miss those days. But the years when we were all still at home are gone forever. Even if and when everyone does come home for Christmas, it simply cannot be the same. We've matured, we've left those years of childhood innocence behind, we've crossed into the realm of becoming "them." (For those who don't know my family's lingo, being one of "them" means being an adult - eww. Haha.) Don't get me wrong - I know there are wonderful things to be experienced in life, and I'm so anxious for those experiences. I want to further my education, find a career I enjoy, be successful in that career, get married, have kids, raise my family, and grow old as a happy and fulfilled woman. I want to have all of that in my life. But, at the same time, I can't help but mourn for the lost days of my childhood.

I miss being a kid. I miss the simplicity of that kind of life. I miss playing for the sake of playing. I miss climbing trees. I miss having so few responsibilities. I miss not being so self-conscious. I miss running as fast as I can, just to see how fast I can go. I miss riding my bike. I miss not having to think about the future. I miss having friends without having to work at it. I miss being short - haha. I miss having loads of stuffed animals in my room and on my bed. I miss only thinking about the present moment. I miss playing on the jungle-gym bars. I miss coloring. I miss playing hide-and-seek and kick-the-can. I miss reading children's books. I miss playing board games. I miss not being able to imagine myself as an adult. I miss having a family dinner at the table every night. I miss jumping on trampolines. I miss swimming at the pool almost every day in the summer. I miss building sand castles at the beach. I miss collecting stickers. I miss having freckles. I miss having truly blond hair. I miss being able to literally look up to my siblings, instead of just figuratively. I miss having snowball fights. I miss trying to build bridges in the creek behind my house. I miss sleeping in as long as I want on summer mornings. I miss being innocent and naive, rather than just feeling like I am in comparison to other people. I miss being a kid.

When does one leave childhood? I know I'm not a kid anymore, but I'm not an adult either. I'm not. I'm entering that stage, but I can't say that I'm there yet. Maybe I'm trying to hold on to a phase that I've grown out of already. I don't want to go on to that next stage without stopping to take account of everything life has offered me so far. I don't want to pass these years by without taking a moment to appreciate them. They were good years.

But life isn't about finding the best years and holding onto them. Life is a journey, and we all have to go along with the pace that time sets for us. We can't counter that. As much as I loved being a kid, I'm one no longer. I'm letting go of that stage of my life, and starting to embrace the next. Every day, I think more and more about the future. I think about what I want to get out of life - in my career, in my beliefs, in the people I want to be with, and so on. It's a transition I will soon be faced with as I leave home next fall and begin making my own decisions in life. But the more I think about it, the more I think I'll be ready to make that change in my life.

Poem of the Day

2004-12-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

The Dove
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

Out of the sunshine and out of the heat,
Out of the dust of the grimy street,
A song fluttered down in the form of a dove,
And it bore me a message, the one word - Love!

Ah, I was toiling, and oh, I was sad:
I had forgotten the way to be glad.
Now, smiles for my sadness and for my toil, rest
Since the dove fluttered down to its home in my breast!

My Feeble Attempts at Composing

2004-12-14T23:45:00.000-05:00

As the music plays, the tune strikes a chord somewhere deep inside me. It comes so close to expressing my feelings - so close. But it can't quite get to the point that I want it to. I can't quite capture that bittersweet tone I'm looking for. Somehow, I want to express myself in this music. But I don't even know what I want it to say, so how can I expect the piano to reach that conclusion for me?

What are these emotions I'm trying to release? They're pent up in there, and only sometimes do they build up enough to escape into the realm of expression. But the music I'm stumbling across on the piano calls to those emotions. It's a form of relief I didn't even know I needed until my fingers met the keys. All of a sudden, it's as if it's too much to bear. The music is the only escape, the only expression available for these emotions that I didn't even know I had.
~~~~
I need direction in my feeble attempts at composing. That's why I can never really complete anything I start, I think. I need something more than grasping at shadows of emotions I don't understand. I need to discipline myself to write with focus and purpose. I want to start trying to writing more often, especially during Christmas break. Because it's frustrating to feel so aimless when I write. It just starts coming out, with no direction or purpose. It's just something I want and need to work on, I guess.

Happily Ever After

2004-12-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

So I worked info (that's the hostess that makes all the decisions on seating in a restaurant) at work on Saturday night, which went really well. It was fairly busy, but not too bad. Everything went really smoothly, and Keith (one of my managers) mentioned several times that I did a great job. So yay, that made me happy.

At one point during the evening, this man was waiting up front for his wife before they left. So he started talking to me, saying, "You know, I'm so lucky - she's so wonderful. We started dating when we were fifteen, and now we've been happily married for thirty-three years. I'm just so lucky." Wow, was that not the sweetest thing ever? I mean, here was this couple in their early fiftees, still happy with eachother and in love. (And yeah, I know that's not old, but to a seventeen-year-old, that's a long way off.)

I can only hope to have such luck in my life. To go through life with someone who makes me feel happy and fulfilled. And I know that that's not all that life will give me. I'll have plenty of troubles, plenty of bumps along the way. I know I'm only seventeen, and I'm just starting to prepare for the "real world." But one thing I do yearn for in my life is that kind of connection with a person who completes me; that kind of lasting happiness that keeps people together throughout their lives. I know that someday, I'll want the whole package. I'll want to have someone I can marry, raise a family with, grow old and wrinkly with - the works.

And seeing this man walking out of the restaurant with his arm around his wife's shoulder, seeing two people that are still happy together after so many years....it's encouraging. It shows that it's not the sort of thing that only happens in fairy tales. Sure there'll be pain and hurt and all of that, but "happily ever after" can exist, too.

Good Ending

2004-12-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

It's been an eventful weekend. Well, at least it seems that way to me. But of course, the things I'm thinking about are things like conversations and such, which I know seems boring to other people. But I'm really happy with how this evening has turned out. I wasn't expecting to be as happy as I am right now, simply because most of today didn't go all that fabulously. I mean, it was alright, but work was pretty hectic, I was late to youth ensemble practice, and I had a lot on my mind all day.

But now, I am so satisfied with the day's ending. I had some really good conversations with people (Michael, Matthew, and Matt)! So yay - I'm in a really good mood and not able to go to sleep! Of course, that could be because I'm talking to Matthew - haha. Oh well, whatever. I'm not sleepy at all, for some reason. And I know I'll regret it tomorrow, but I really can't get to sleep right now. I guess I'll try to sleep in a bit, though. So I'm off, but I hope everyone has a good school week! Just remember - the semester's almost over! Yay!

My Poem

2004-12-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

Winter's Defeat
by Karen Hayden

The falling leaves, like golden rain,
Lay down upon the chilling earth;
A blanket for the frost-touched grass,
That starts to die with Winter's birth.

The wind starts up, that whispering hush,
That sweeps away the Autumn jewels;
For Fall departs as Winter comes
To try Her best 'gainst daunted fools.

But She can't take away the joy
That comes with falling deep in love;
For I can't feel the cold, harsh winds,
When I see bright, blue skies above.

So try Your best, cruel Winter wind,
To dampen hearts and minds of men.
But for my part, I will not budge,
My love will lift me up again.

Stop and Smell the Roses

2004-12-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

Funny how we never take a moment to stop and appreciate the things that are always there for us. Like tonight - I doubt anyone but me noticed how bright the stars are. They really are gorgeous. And as I leaned against my car and stared up at the sky for a minute, I realized that I hadn't done that in so long. I couldn't help but smile at the beauty of those fabulous stars. And then it was so wonderful to realize that, sometimes, just the act of smiling can make you happier. Somehow, it lifted my spirits. Just that minute of taking in a scene of beauty beyond
the things that are directly related to my own life and my own struggles. It was just refreshing.

Poem of the Day

2004-11-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

The Sparrow
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

A little bird, with plumage brown,
Beside my window flutters down,
A moment chirps its little strain,
Ten taps upon my window-pane,
And chirps again, and hops along,
To call my notice to its song;
But I work on, nor heed its lay,
Till, in neglect, it flies away.

So birds of peace and hope and love
Come fluttering earthward from above,
To settle on life's window-sills,
And ease our load of earthly ills;
But we, in traffic's rush and din,
Too deep engaged to let them in,
With deadened heart and sense plod on,
Nor know our loss till they are gone.

Perception of Self

2004-11-29T19:41:00.000-05:00

We had chinese take-out for dinner tonight. My fortune cookie said, "Your character can be described as natural and unrestrained." Is that true? I don't know, I'm not so sure.

And earlier today, as part of a creative writing assignment, I had to describe my character, as if I were in a movie or a novel. And when I went back and read what I had written about myself, I realized I have pretty conflicting views of myself. I mean, I guess I would like to think of myself as something special, but at the same time, I assume people see me as I normally see myself: a plain girl; nothing extraordinary. Somehow, I managed to express both those points of view equally, and I can't figure out which was more prevalent. I would like to believe I'm a truly unique individual; that there's more to me than what can be seen on the outside - but I don't know. I can't always have that much confidence in myself. Like I said, conflicting views.

I would love to relate this to my fortune cookie, and I know there is a connection there....but my brain can't seem to focus in on that right now. Or maybe there is no connection. Maybe I'm just unsure about a lot of things right now, for no reason whatsoever. Whatever....I think I thought about this assignment too much. Haha. In any case, at least it turned out to be a pretty well-written composition, anyway.

Thanksgiving

2004-11-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

So I think one of the nicest things about these past few days (other than sleeping in, of course) is that I got to see most of my cousins and aunts and uncles. For Thanksgiving, my family (all of us except Michael, who's in Pennsylvania right now),my grandmother, and all except one set of cousins went to my uncle's house in Chapel Hill for dinner. We ate the greatest meal, then played "Risk" (I almost won! - darn that tricky Daniel) and watched "The Terminal." I had almost forgotten how much I missed spending time with them all, really. They're such fun people, and it's so interesting to see how we've all changed since we last saw eachother in May.

Then, yesterday, we went to my grandmother's house for dinner. Not everyone was there this time (only five of us cousins), but it was still fun. We ate dinner (that seems to be a theme with the Acker family - haha), watched "A Christmas Story" (what Christmas season is complete without watching that??), and sat around and talked.

But the best part of the evening was when the five of us decided we wanted to go to the kid's park across the street. So we found a flashlight, got our jackets, and went and hung out there in the middle of the night. Sounds sketchy, I know. But hey, the oldest of us was only 21, and that's not too old to act like a kid, right? Haha - in any case, it was still fun. We ended up talking a lot about our memories from when we were all younger while Elizabeth and I swung on the baby swings standing up, since we couldn't actually fit in them.

We also talked about how we have to still get together when we get older. I know it'll be harder as time goes on, because people will be raising families and furthuring their careers and everything else that comes with being adults, but life wouldn't be quite the same without seeing all of my cousins from time to time. In any case, I'm just happy I got a chance to see most of them again, and hopefully we'll all be together for Christmas.

Tell Me

2004-11-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

What can I do to be a better friend? I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what I had to do, but I don't seem to be able to live up to those expectations lately. This drive to be a good friend has sort of died in recent weeks. And now that I'm realizing the effects of that in my relationships, it's really worrying me. I don't want to fail in my friendships. Each one of you means so much to me - please know that!

But I'm not perfect. I may not always be able to put the needed effort or time into focusing on each and every one of you, but I'm going to try. I hate focusing on myself so much that I become a failure as a friend. I want to be a good friend to all the people I care about. It's just that it's hard sometimes. It takes time to do that, and it takes effort that I haven't been putting in. I'm sorry for that.

Just talk to me. Tell me what I can do. I can't seem to figure out what I need to do differently, and it doesn't help that you all don't make it very easy for me sometimes. Not when you resent me for my schedule and my other relationships. Maybe you don't, but that's the way it seems a lot of the time. So what should I do? What can I do for you? Just tell me, please!

Stress

2004-11-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

Today's voice lesson was interesting. At the beginning, we realized that I missed the deadline for sending in this stupid CD for NFAA, which makes me so angry with myself. But beyond that, it disappointed Catherine and made me feel like all that stress and work was for nothing. And it was all my fault. And so my voice lesson started off with me trying my very, very hardest not to cry. And it didn't work, but at least I didn't cry as much or as hard as I really wanted to. I controlled myself better than I've been able to in similar situations in the past, and Catherine recognized that. And we worked through my strained throat (it gets so tight when I cry, which makes it so frustrating to try to sing) and continued rehearsing.

It's sort of strange that I felt that urge to cry, because I am happy with some parts of my life right now. But at the same time, I feel like I'm stretched so thin. I'm so busy, and yet I'm not even as busy as I could be. It's more of the fact that I'm stressed about everything that is going on, and I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I keep on going and going, and I'm just surviving through my schedule, and I'm not even getting anywhere. And once I do get through the things I stress out about, something else comes up immediately . Looking at my schedule, it seems like the next time I'll really have a chance to be relatively carefree is Christmas break and hopefully the first few weeks of January. And after that, it looks like I'll probably be under stress until the middle of April. Oh, but that's not considering the whole school factor. And I've got hard classes next semester, which means I won't really be free of stress until the summer.

And I hate that I feel like I need to concentrate on my responsibilities so much, because that leaves less time and thoughts for focusing on other things - like my friends. And I know so many of them feel like I spend no time trying to be a good friend anymore. That's how I feel, too, sometimes. But it's hard, and I feel like I'm a failure at it again. I hate that feeling. And even with all this stress, I still don't live up to the expectations set for me, like sending in this CD. I'm just not working hard enough, maybe. I don't know - it's just frustrating.

I think I'm going to go crazy if I constantly stress out about it, though. I can't live with a headache all the time, like I've done for the last four days or so. It all just wears me out. I need to take some time with people I love in order to keep my sanity. And I try to take that time, but whenever I do, I almost feel guilty about it later on. Like I should've been working, rather than living the life of any normal teenager. But this is the only chance I'll get to be a senior in High School. I don't want to end up realizing, later on in my life, that I never really experienced how teenagers are supposed to live. I'm not an adult yet, and I don't want to be so caught up in my responsibilities that I miss out on these years. So I'm not going to do that. I don't know, maybe I'm just justifying the fact that I don't always succeed in fulfilling my responsibilities, but I'm going to go crazy if that's all I think about.

My New Favorite CD

2004-11-16T18:26:00.000-05:00

Words....funny how words alone can make you so happy! Happy, or loved, or sad, or content, or any other feeling in the spectrum of human emotions. And right now, hearing these words in music, I just can't help but smile! Haha, I'm such a sap, and you know it so well. But I love that. I don't know how you can love such a hopeless romantic, but maybe it's because you're somewhat like one yourself. I really love this CD!

Oh, and number 10! Haha, do you remember at the Drama Department Awards Night last year?? I'm sure you don't, but it's crazy that this song is on here, because I seriously started singing this song this morning while I was getting ready for school! And I was thinking about how we were sitting in the auditorium, and this song (A Kiss to Build a Dream On) was playing, and we both recognized it. At the time, about half a year ago, I never would've imagined that we could grow as close as we have. It's amazing, isn't it? But it's such a wonderful thing to be amazed by!

Why Do I Cry For the Ones I Love?

2004-11-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

I know we can't understand eachother all the time. I know we won't always connect with the things that are important to the other. But it's so hard. It's so hard to be satisfied with knowing that. I don't want to be, really. I love you too much to not want something for you that has made me a better and happier person. This is the one thing that's been the absolute best and most important part of my life, without a doubt - and I want that for you, but I can't make you want it as well. And that hurts.

Don't worry, this disappointment can't and won't keep me from loving you, even if you are causing me so much unintentional pain right now. I can't change who you are, and I don't want to. I saw this coming - of course I did. You've done nothing wrong, and you've done nothing other than be honest with me. I knew this was a conversation we would have, and I had tried to prepare myself for it. But it's so much harder to actually hear you say it.

I'm not sure how well I'll be able to deal with this in the future. I'll try my best, I really will. But you've got to understand that it's been so difficult getting to where I am right now, and I'm so eager to further my relationship with God. But it's hard enough as it is to be dedicated, to stay focused on the things that are really important. I want to be, and I'm so happy when I am able to keep that sense of purpose in my life. But this throws one more obstacle into my spiritual path. It'll be tough to keep my priorities straight when I feel so alone in this. And, okay, I know I'm not alone. I'm so blessed to have the friends I do who can support me. But you just can't be one of those people who understand this part of me. I can't expect you to be. It's just that it's an emotional thing to actually have to finally face that.

An Old Friend

2004-11-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

How cool is this?!? I was just im'ed by a good friend from elementary school that I haven't talked to in years. She moved to Texas quite a long time ago, and we haven't seen or talked to eachother in forever, but she just randomly im'ed me. It's so cool to talk to someone that I've lost touch with for so long! What a great opportunity to be a good friend to someone, too! Wow, that was totally unexpected - but it was a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write much more tonight. I have to leave the house by 5:30 tomorrow morning to get to my precinct to work as a student election assistant. And it's going to be such a busy and long day, so I really do need my rest tonight. So before I go to sleep, let me just say that any and every one who is old enough to vote should not miss the chance to do so tomorrow!!! If you're lucky enough to be eighteen, then you should also be responsible enough to do your part as a citizen and vote for the leaders of your country! So get out and vote, people!!!

So Tired

2004-10-29T23:03:00.000-04:00

You know, in the last few weeks, whenever I've had time to post, I just haven't wanted to. But right now, it's sort of the opposite. I really feel like typing up a long explanation of all that's gone on in the last few days with MTNA, but I'm just too tired. And it's not even that I'm sleepy - I'm physically and emotionally tired, as well (if that makes any sense). What I mean is that I always put so much of myself into these voice competitions - so much effort, energy, and pure emotion - that afterwards, I'm just completely drained of everything I have.

So I'm just going to wait until I've gotten some more sleep and energy to explain these last two days' events. Suffice it to say that I won the senior voice category at the state level of MTNA, and I will therefore be going on to the Division Competition in Louisville, Kentucky in January! Oh, and my audition really did go well, but my performance in the Winners' Recital went even better! Haha - Catherine even said she thought it was the best she's ever heard me sing, which was a real compliment. Oh no, and now I'm getting carried away with talking about details, so I'm going to stop myself right now. Goodnight, everyone.

NFAA

2004-10-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

Woooohoooo!!!!!!!!!!!! It's over!!!! Okay, so for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I recorded a CD at my voice teacher's house tonight for a voice competition (NFAA). And I am soooo relieved that it went well and I can stop stressing about it! I mean, I was excited about it beforehand, but it was that nervous excitement that makes you optimistic but stressed out, really.

And I was so frustrated with my voice as I warmed up before driving over there, but somehow my voice came through for me when I needed it. Sure, it was a bit frustrating that I had to take several takes of a lot of the songs, but hey, I'm pretty happy with how the CD is going to turn out. Well, except for "Et exultavit..." - Bach must not have realized singers have to breathe! But it's okay, because overall I think it'll be a good product. And Catherine (my teacher) is going to get two copies of the CD to me on Monday the 25th, so I'll soon know how it sounded! Haha, Catherine says I should give them out to friends and family for Christmas presents, but I think that's just a bit self-centered, so I don't think I'm going to be doing that. But if anyone does actually want a copy of it, just let me know and I'll burn one for you.

Yay - I'm so happy it's over! And I don't have any more competitions until the end of the month (MTNA), so that gives me a few weeks to prepare for that. Plus, since that's my last competition of the Fall, I'll be able to start learning new songs for NATS (my first competition in the Spring)and my senior recital! Yay! Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling on about this stuff that probably only makes sense to myself and other voice students. Just wanted to post about why I'm so happy right now!

Fears

2004-10-13T17:38:00.000-04:00

Everyone has fears. Some are more concrete than others, but everyone has them. People can be afraid of heights, water, insects, silence, whatever.

The silence phobia is what I can't connect with. To me, silence is a wonderful (but rare) escape from the rush of everyday life. It gives me a chance to really reflect on my feelings and thoughts without distraction. And yes, I can understand that it's scary to a lot of people. After all, we live in a society where we're rushed from place to place, multi-tasking and struggling to survive our daily lives. Being forced to face our own thoughts can be a real slap in the face when you're used to a life like this. And silence doesn't allow the option of ignoring our own thoughts. I'm sure it can be terribly disconcerting to some people. But, as I said, silence isn't one of my main fears.

What am I afraid of? ....... Well, I guess I'm afraid of loneliness. I have this deep longing for close relationships with people. I thrive on having friends in my life; I need friends in my life. And to live a lonely life, without the comfort of true friendship......that's my biggest fear. It may not be a concrete, material fear, but it's real all the same.

As I Look in Your Eyes

2004-10-10T01:34:00.000-04:00

I know this isn't the most eloquent poem ever, but I guess I can't always expect my sad excuses as poetry to live up to the emotions I try to express in them. Anyway, here goes:
~~~~~~~~
As I look in your eyes,
So incredibly blue,
I feel so much closer
Than I ever really knew.

It's not like I know
Every thought in your mind.
After all, I'm no Cleo,
Though you know I'm not blind.

But what is important -
What I know I can see -
Is the love and the caring
That you have for me.

And though I'd not said it
In these words, so few,
As you look in my eyes,
Know that I love you.

Purpose

2004-10-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

We go through the motions of life every day. Living, loving, laughing, crying, pushing, following, resisting, smiling, hurting, wishing, reacting. We just keep going; going through the same routines; letting time pull us along as we "live" our lives. What's the point? What's our purpose? Are we looking for love, success, happiness, truth, God? Or are we searching for anything at all? Do we honestly even want to know the meaning of our lives, or would we rather just live passively, and let the philosophers do the thinking?

Personally, I want to know what I'm living for. I don't want to just be pulled through life aimlessly. And I know I don't have a clear purpose in my life right now. Well, that's not true. I'm perfectly conscious of what I'm living for, but I'm not sure they're the right reasons. I tend to think more about my relationships with my friends and with Matt than almost anything else. But it seems like I hardly spend any of my time or thoughts on God. I know trying to be a good friend and whatnot is a good and even admirable thing. And I'm not saying it shouldn't be important to me. But should anything, even something positive, take priority over focusing directly on my relationship with God?

Sometimes it's hard to stop and think and pray, especially about anything beyond my own self-centered life. But I know there's so much more to life than me. What's my purpose? What's your purpose? How do you discover it? Well, it can't be done alone. That much I have begun to learn. Because humans are flawed. I can't count on my own purposes, or those of the world or society. I have to discover and rely on God's purpose for me. And, okay, I have no clue how I'm supposed to discover that. The only thing I can know to do at this point is to continue praying and really focusing on God, and that's what I want to try to do.

Good Mood

2004-10-06T16:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been so happy that you just couldn't help from beaming? It's the greatest feeling. It's the kind of mood where nothing can ruin your day. You're able to brush off the things that are frustrating (colorguard, a bad chorus rehearsal, etc.), but the happy moments build up your cheerfulness even more. Even the simple things make you smile. A sincere word from a friend, a goodbye kiss, a funny joke, the perfect weather, whatever. Like I said, it's just such a perfectly delightful feeling!

This Week's News

2004-10-03T20:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I have a few updates. First off, the band and the colorguard did quite well at our competition yesterday. Colorguard got first place again, with a score of 91! Yay! I'm so proud of my girls! I just hope we can all have good work ethic in the next two weeks, so we'll really be ready for Appalachian.

Alright, the second update is that I got into Honors Chorus! I'm so happy that I did, and I'm so glad that several of my friends from other schools will be there, as well (Alana, Stephanie, Clare, Eleanor, and so on). Although, I am really sad that the only people that got in from Sanderson were Tim and I. I wish other people were going as well. But hey, at least I won't be alone this time, like the last two years.

And the last piece of news is that I have finally started Pitchpipers again. For anyone who doesn't know, Pitchpipers is the a cappella group at Sanderson that started up last year, but then basically died. So I'm beginning it again. We had our first informational meeting after school on Friday, and we're having our first real singing rehearsal tomorrow (Monday) after school. We're going to start with Over the Rainbow (the arrangement from last year - so pretty!) until I can get this a cappella music from Michael's older brother (he's giving me some music that his group started with; I'll just have to rearrange it for SATB, and that shouldn't be a problem). Anyway, I'm really excited about it, because a lot of people showed up, including quite a few non-Chorus members. Yay! : )

Anyway, I think that's most all of this week's updates, so I'm gonna head off for a late dinner.

Spiritual Growth

2004-09-27T18:31:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, when I was talking to one of my Sunday School teachers at church, I heard an analogy for understanding why it gets harder and harder to have faith in God as the years go by. Basically, it's as if your faith and your needs as a Christian were held in a vessel; let's say a cup. And when you're a kid, that cup is very small. That makes it easy to completely believe in God as a child. But - as anyone, even a teenager, knows from experience - when you've gained some years, you begin having more and more doubts. It becomes harder to really believe in and live for God. That's because as you grow older, that cup of faith grows, as well.

But if you don't keep in mind that it's growing, and you're content with the amount of faith you had to begin with, you end up realizing that that's not nearly enough to fill the cup. And that's why you can always grow in your spiritual journey. You can always have a closer and deeper relationship with God, because your needs as a Christian and as a person are always increasing. I suppose knowing how to live in Christ must be a continual process. You can't figure out one way to live and be satisfied with that all your life. You have to always be thinking, loving, improving, and growing closer to God.

Great Day!

2004-09-26T01:01:00.000-04:00

What a fabulous day! Even though I had to get to school at 5:15 on a Saturday morning, I really enjoyed going to Honors Chorus Auditions with other Sandpipers, all of which were my friends. The drives to and from Fayettville were so much fun, and we sang so many random songs. Haha. Plus, my actual audition went really well! I don't know that I made it, but I am happy that I had a good audition.

Anyway, when I got back to Sanderson, I had to join the band rehearsal. That went alright I guess, and then I had a crazy busy lunch, running errands and such. Then, on the bus ride up to West Craven for our band competition, Matt and I sat next to eachother. We mostly passed the time by taking a nap, as we were both exhausted. Then came the competition. Our performance went really well, and we ended up getting first place in our division for colorguard, among many other things. I was so proud of my colorguard!

Then, on the bus drive back, Matt and I sat together again - talking, laughing, and so on. Although, I must say it was either terribly funny or incredibly embarrasing that all of the juniors and seniors (as it was the junior/senior bus) were really surprised and vocal (especially on the ride up to West Craven) after seeing us sitting together, with his arm around my shoulders. Haha, several of my friends gave me that little look that says, "Wow, I didn't know you guys were going out!" In any case, it was very enjoyable. A lot of what made my day so fabulous can't even really be explained in a plot summary. But so many little things that happened during the day just lifted my spirit so much. And I'm so happy to have had such an incredibly enjoyable day!

A Conversation with Jackson

2004-09-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

SkateRat46: no worries
SkateRat46: cause life has it's ups
SkateRat46: and life has it's downs
SkateRat46: but in the end it will all even out
SkateRat46: I'll be fine
SkateRat46: Id rather you worry about your own problems, and not mine
SkateRat46: and feel free to ask if I can help at all
PeachyK622: aww, and it makes it even sweeter when u say something like that by rhyming, as well! :-D
PeachyK622: haha
SkateRat46: hey
SkateRat46: I did rhyme
SkateRat46: I didn't even realize it
SkateRat46: hahaha
PeachyK622: haha
SkateRat46: ten second poems
SkateRat46: by Jackson dowd
PeachyK622: there u go
PeachyK622: :-)
PeachyK622: i've been in a poetry kind of mood lately
PeachyK622: that seems to be all i've been writing of any worth the last few days
PeachyK622: heh
SkateRat46: coo
PeachyK622: not that i'm really any good
PeachyK622: haha, but oh well
PeachyK622: it's still enjoyable
SkateRat46: that's all it needs to be
PeachyK622: yeah
PeachyK622: hmmm.....speaking of writing.....what shall i write in today's post on my blog?
PeachyK622: hmm
SkateRat46: let's see
SkateRat46: "I had quite a facinating conversation with a dear friend of mine to whom I care about very much. He seemed troubled by something and yet at the same time he was very content. I guess that's why I enjoy his company so much. He wrote me a poem, and I thought that was very sweet indeed. I do hope that someday I will be able to speak in poem like my dear friend Jackson. That is all for today. I think I shall count my blessings for the evening and go to bed. Adue."
PeachyK622: hahahah
PeachyK622: perhaps i just will post that
SkateRat46: haha
SkateRat46: sweet
SkateRat46: I saved you some time
SkateRat46: with my little rhyme
PeachyK622: hahaha
SkateRat46: muahaha
PeachyK622: i'm ever so grateful, "my dear friend, jackson"
SkateRat46: hahah
PeachyK622: :-D

Talk to Me

2004-09-21T19:45:00.000-04:00

I wish I could talk with you,
Open and free.
But whenever I try to,
I can't make you see

That I need something deeper
Than this lackluster bond;
I want to be closer
But you never respond.

It's like you don't know me,
Like I'm not even here.
Would you notice me, maybe,
If I just shed a tear?

It's so hard to speak
To a closed book like you.
So I'm asking you, please,
Just talk to me; be true.

Yet Another Poem

2004-09-20T23:07:00.000-04:00

I found this poem today, and I thought it would be a good follow-up post after yesterday's ramblings.
~~~~~~~~
Stars
by Sarah Teasdale

Alone in the night
On a dark hill
With pines around me
Spicy and still,

And a heaven full of stars
Over my head,
White and topaz
And misty red;

Myriads with beating
Hearts of fire
That aeons
Cannot vex or tire;

Up the dome of heaven
Like a great hill,
I watch them marching
Stately and still,

And I know that I
Am honored to be
Witness
Of so much majesty.

My Wandering Mind

2004-09-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, when I need to relax, I go outside and lay against the hood of my car to think. Looking up into the sky full of stars, I let my mind wander. I'm not sure why I love the stars so much. Maybe it's because seeing those countless, twinkling orbs makes me realize that I can't control everything in life. And right now, I don't want to have control over some things. It's better knowing that there's this whole universe that's bigger - greater - than the petty problems and worries of my life. There's this whole world of beauty, life, and unexplained wonders that I don't want or need to understand.

And besides, some things in life are more beautiful being a mystery. The stars being one example......but there are other things that are the same way. Love, for instance, isn't something that can be logical. Not that I know anything about it, but I can only imagine that if it could be explained, people would have stopped asking questions about it after thousands of years of trying to figure it out. And even in my short seventeen years, I've wished I understood love enough to realize that maybe I can't. Not without experiencing it, that is. But is that future experience a given? Can I be at all sure that I will ever really experience love? I know I'm looking too far into the future, but I can't help but wonder......

Okay, I know - I'm rambling. But that's what happens when I look at the stars like I did earlier tonight. I just lose track of my mind, and I get to wondering about life, love, God, fiction, Nature.....wherever my mind decides to go. It's a nice feeling. The only bad part about it is the fact that, in those moments, I'm still alone.

I wish I could have conversations like this with my friends. I mean, I can with some. Like Heather - how else do you think we could talk for two and a half hours? But I'm too self-conscious when I talk with most of my friends to be open about exactly what I'm thinking. That's what I really want in my relationships. I want to get to know more about a person than what movies and music they like. I want to get some insight into how their mind works; what they're thinking or feeling at any given moment; their opinions about society, life, God, relationships, anything! That's my idea of what makes people individuals. Not the things that one can see on the outside, but the things you have to discover about them on the inside. That's the appeal of relationships in the first place, really. I want to find out what makes a person unique. And I want my friends to want to know the same about me.

Poem of the Day

2004-09-18T21:32:00.000-04:00

Moods
by Sarah Teasdale

I am the still rain falling,
Too tired for singing mirth --
Oh, be the green fields calling,
Oh, be for me the earth!

I am the brown bird pining
To leave the nest and fly --
Oh, be the fresh cloud shining,
Oh, be for me the sky!

My Evening

2004-09-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure what I want to write about tonight. I could write about how being around loads of people doesn't cure loneliness. Or I could write about how it's frustrating to hardly ever get a chance to talk, and I mean really talk, with your friends, even when you're around them pretty often.

But I don't really want to write about those things. Instead, I think I'll talk about my evening. I had assumed it would be absolutely uneventful, but it was actually a fairly nice night. I went to Chapel Hill with my dad to meet my mom and my brother for dinner. That was really nice because I hardly ever get to see Matthew anymore, and even though we didn't get to really talk, it was good to see him again. And then, on the drive back home, I listened to my Bryn Terfel CD of art songs.

Let me just say - Bryn Terfel is a god! I absolutely adore him. Not only does he have a fabulous voice (and yes, basses and baritones have always held a special spot in my heart - hehe). But he's also such an incredible musician. He's not afraid of taking his voice where the song needs it, even when that means going into falsetto. And his range of dynamics is ridiculous! He just follows where the song leads his voice, and captivates whoever listens to him.

But I should stop rambling about Bryn (my hero!) as I'm sure anyone reading this post is pretty much in the dark when it comes to opera singers. Haha, oh well, it was still fun ranting about it.

Being a Good Friend

2004-09-16T22:58:00.000-04:00

I've often thought it's strange how everyone seems to be in a bad mood when I'm happy, and in a good mood when I'm down. But I know that's not really how things work. Maybe I only realize other people are feeling badly when I'm happy enough to notice anything but my own feelings. But when I'm depressed, every single one of my friends could feel worse than me, and I might not notice. In that sort of mood, I'm always too selfishly absorbed with my own miserable feelings to pay attention to the rest of the world, except in a negative or envious light. Wow, I really am a selfish person sometimes! It's sad, really.....

Maybe that needs to be my motivation for being more cheerful. Not just for myself, but in order to be a better friend, as well. I mean, I don't want to be a needy person. I really don't. And the comfort of being down (yeah, that sounds contradictory, but it's true sometimes) just shouldn't be worth sacrificing my efforts towards being a good friend. I know I may be making too much out of this, but it's something I've thought about for a long time.

Anyway, to follow up on my previous post, I guess I'm feeling better than I was a few hours ago. Impromptu rehearsal went well, and I've gotten a chance to talk with several good friends. So I'm more optimistic than I was a while back, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow (because it's a Friday, and then it's the weekend!).

Lonely, I guess

2004-09-16T18:11:00.000-04:00

I hate this. It's a day off, and yet I'm not able to spend it enjoyably like any other normal high schooler. I'm in such a crappy mood, but I'm not sure I even know why I feel so down. It's not because of band practice, as that went just fine. And I shouldn't feel lonely, since I slept over at my best friend's house last night, which was really fun. Maybe I do feel lonely though, for no good reason. But maybe it doesn't really matter. Whatever.....

I wish I could get together with Matt or one of my other friends to talk about it, but I have to go to church for an Impromptu rehearsal (for leading worship on Sunday) at seven. Ugghh......maybe I'll just go play piano. That tends to help me in my depressing moments. For now, I'll leave you with a poem:

~~~~~~~~

Orpheus with his lute
by William Shakespeare (From "Henry VIII")

Orpheus with his lute made trees
And the mountain tops that freeze
Bow themselves when he did sing:

To his music plants and flow'rs
Ever sprung, as sun and show'rs
There had made a lasting spring.

Everything that heard him play,
Even the billows of the sea,
Hung their heads, and then lay by.

In sweet music is such art,
Killing care and grief of heart,
Fall asleep, or hearing, die.

Editing

2004-09-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Writing is a strange process. I'm in the middle of editing something I wrote yesterday, and it's really frustrating. I hate the fact that it's unfinished, and yet I'm not really sure how one knows when it is finished. When I'm happier with what I've written, maybe? I don't know.

Anyway, it's not only frustration. It's also sort of satisfying, to be able to see the product of so much analyzation on just a few pieces of paper. That's what I see when I look at these messy sheets of paper with pencil lead bleeding off the paper - progress. And that's a really nice feeling.

I had wanted to post it today, but I can tell that's not going to happen. I still have a lot to change in it. So maybe I'll post it another day, if I can ever finish editing it. Haha, oh well...

Empathy

2004-09-09T22:44:00.000-04:00

This has been an odd week. A huge number of my friends have been really upset, and for so many different reasons. I guess I can't even discuss a lot of the issues here, as they don't really concern me. But they range from slightly trivial issues to having a bad day to breaking up to stress to family problems to life-changing bad news. It's craziness..... I suppose none of that made any sense unless you know exactly what I'm talking about, and no one knows about all of those situations. But whatever....

And as much as I want to feel empathy for all of these dear friends, the most I can do for them is talk and listen to them. My feeling miserable about it isn't going to solve anything. Maybe that's insensitive of me, but it also seems healthier. And so, even though I do feel for them, I've ended up in a pretty good mood.

I'm practicing guitar, talking to Matt and Jackson on instant messenger, and anticipating tomorrow. Thank goodness tomorrow's Friday!!! It should be a good start to the weekend. I'm watching "The Godfather" with Matt in the afternoon, and then going to movie night at Maggie's house (which is always fun). So I'm just going to enjoy the weekend, and try not to worry about everyone else's problems more than is healthy.

Prayer

2004-09-08T21:20:00.000-04:00

I wrote this in creative writing one day last week when my journaling topic for the day was one of my very good friends, Jackson. I definitely went off-subject, and I hardly even wrote about Jackson, but that's okay. Oh, and I realize it's way over the top. It sounds pretty unrealistic, I suppose, but it was so real to me. And the fact that just writing about it brought tears to my eyes shows that it really was as emotional as it sounds. Anyway, here it is :
~~~~~~~~
"One specific time that comes to my mind when I think of my friendship with Jackson is in St. John's the Divine in New York City on our Spring Choir Trip last year. I had had a really frustrating week, in addition to feeling the unconscious weight of my guilt from not having a real relationship with God.

"So I was sitting there, listening to the leaders of the service chanting, their voices echoing throughout the huge cathedral like solemn angels. The repetitive music set me in a state of unearthly meditation, as if I had been lifted into the clouds, and the worries of the world and of my life no longer existed.

"I felt tears streaming down my flushed cheeks. I'd never experienced anything like it before. I was praying, but it was more than that. It was as if I were actually sitting there with God, telling Him my troubles, my fears, my feelings, my praises. But not even in words. And it didn't feel like I was praying to one person - to "God." I was communing with - well, I guess it was a Spirit? The Holy Spirit, according to churches. But it really had no definition.

"Even my emotions at the time can't really be described. I was so distressed, and yet the tears seemed like they were cleansing me. Despite my guilt, frustration, and embarrasment from crying so much in front of so many of my friends, I was so incredibly full of joy. For once in my life, I had nothing to worry about. I truly felt like I was kneeling before God, crying all my sorrows out while one of my very best friends held my hand in encouragement.

"That's what brought me back to reality - Jackson's hand squeezing mine, and his loving concern for my happiness. For once, I felt fulfilled in being so close to both God and an earthly friend. It's the happiest - the realest - I've ever felt."
~~~~~~~~
.....I wish I still felt that passion for Christ. That deep stirring in your heart that can't really be described. I desperately long to know how to regain a close relationship with God. But I don't know how.....I just don't know how. They say all you have to do is ask God to come into your heart, but I've done that! It's not like I've never given my heart to Christ - I honestly have. The rare moments when I feel that closeness to God have been some of the most joyful of my life......but how do I get that back? I've drifted away for so long now..........and I just don't know what I want anymore. That's not true. I do know what I want. But maybe I just haven't wanted it enough; I haven't worked for it. I don't know......keep me in your prayers, anyway......

Flashback!

2004-09-07T18:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, I don't really feel like writing right now (one: i'm tired, and two: i'm lazy), so I'm posting a flashback journal entry! Woohoo. Aren't we all excited?!? Anyway, I wrote this the first day I was in Honduras this summer on a mission trip, while we rode the bus from the airport in Tegucigalpa to our camp just outside the city :
~~~~~~~~
"I'm falling in love with this country - this land. Just driving on these rolling mountains makes me feel closer to Nature, and to the simplicity of life. I know I should be (and I suppose I am) heartbroken at the poverty of these people, but at the same time, it just feels simpler. At home, living in an incredibly wealthy and industrialized nation, we complicate our lives with technology, politics, and man-made notions of "the meaning(s) of life." What happened to living off the land, and having that closeness with Nature which has always seemed so natural and desirable to me?

"In any case, being in this country makes me feel so at peace. I would love to live somewhere like this someday - out in a rural setting, with mountains, and a new culture. Sure, this is considered a third-world country, but, like I've said, this feels so natural - like this is how humans were always meant to live."
~~~~~~~~
Okay, so I took out some of that journal entry, but only because I was rambling. Anyway, that was one of the few optimistic journal entries from that trip, so I think that's all I'll post for now. Haha. Hope you all enjoyed today's installment of a flashback journal entry!

Blah

2004-09-06T21:22:00.000-04:00

What a blah day. I woke up at 9:30 after only 7 hours of sleep, unable to fall back asleep. The only things I did during the day were practice guitar (for a crazy long time, too - my fingers hurt so badly!), practice piano, check my email about twenty times (while wishing that Matt were online to talk to), and work from 6 to 9.

Uggh....and at work, Keith (one of my managers) had me take out a to go order, which I've never ever been trained on! He didn't even help me out with it - and I felt like such an idiot, because I didn't know what I was doing, even when I got help from the servers. When I finished the order, I hurriedly went to do a restroom check to avoid crying in front of Keith. I know it wasn't a big deal, and it shouldn't have made me as upset as it did, but I hate my own failure more than anything else. I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing, or like I'm not doing a good job at something.

Grrr....so now I'm just annoyed that today was such a bad ending to a perfectly fabulous weekend. On the whole, it really was a great weekend, though! Saturday was absolutely wonderful (watching a movie with Matt - yay!), and all of Sunday was so relaxed and fun (yeah, I had to go to work, but I also went to church in the morning, baked cookies, talked to Katie (my sister) on the phone for an hour, and hung out with some of my church friends in the evening). So, like I said, it was a good weekend, just a dismal ending to it. Sheesh, am I repetitive or what? Oh well.....

Waiting

2004-09-06T00:55:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's almost one in the morning, and even though that's not normally a big deal for me, I'm really tired. I've been tired all week, and I need my sleep.

But I'm not going to go to bed! I want to stay online so that I can talk to certain people if they happen to still be awake. Three people in particular - Heather, because she's upset about something, Barrett because he's upset about something else, and Matt because - well, because I just really want to talk with him. He's been up at Lake Gaston with his family, so I haven't been in touch with him at all today. It shouldn't be a big deal, because I just saw him last night. But, even so, it'd be nice to talk with him a bit.

Uggh, I don't even know what I wanted to post in the first place. Whatever. In any case, I'm waiting. Waiting is weird because you start analyzing why you want to wait for people to get online, which just messes with your mind. I guess I'll just practice guitar for a while until I give up relying on people's insomnia to satisfy my need to talk.

Talking

2004-08-25T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just had the best conversation I've had in forever. And when I say forever, I suppose I mean it literally. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't explain any of this conversation. But I'm just so happy to have a friend with whom I can talk, just talk, for more than two and a half hours -straight. Just going from feelings to confessions to fears to random thoughts to every other topic one could think of. I honestly have never spoken with any other friend so openly about anything and everything, and it's such a nice feeling. And, yet again, it's great to finally have someone I really consider my best friend, Heather.

Thunderstorm

2004-08-21T21:41:00.000-04:00

What a beautiful thunderstorm! The rain's been coming down steadily for a while now, accompanied by rolling peels of thunder and flashes of blue lightning. It's funny how thunderstorms make me so happy. I suppose most people don't enjoy them, but I certainly do. I wonder why....

Maybe it satisfies some set of emotions that I don't use very often, therefore making me feel more complete. Maybe everyone needs to use each of their emotions, even the negative ones, in some way, so as not to suffocate those feelings. And, for me, thunderstorms embody the anger that I rarely need to display in my life.

That's not to say that I focus on the conflict between the elements of Nature during thunderstorms, but I suppose it's a subconscious sort of thing. Because, for as long as I can remember, I've always loved thunderstorms. The harder the rain, the stronger the wind, the louder the thunder - so much the better.

Great Day!

2004-08-20T22:42:00.000-04:00

I'm glad to write that I've had a great day (well, excluding the crying fest after colorguard practice, but whatever). Anyway, I'm quite happy at the moment, but also too tired to write more than a few sentences. So that's it for today.

Oh, actually, I lied. One more thing. I'm happy to say that my goals from my last few posts have been met, and have turned out in the best possible way. I feel like I've gained a lot of courage in the last few days, and I'm so thankful that I didn't chicken out, and go back to my habit of deciding things aren't important enough to bring up. Wow, how different my mood would be right now if I had done that. Anyway, like I said, happy but tired. Goodnight.

Today's Poem

2004-08-19T22:52:00.000-04:00

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"
by William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Relief wins!!!

2004-08-18T17:11:00.000-04:00

As Matt said, "and a sigh of relief is exhaled." Thank goodness our minds work at the same pace! No awkward periods where one of us liked the other, but not vice versa. And now I've been honest with everyone except Barrett (unless he's been reading these posts), and I can truly say I'm on my way to a more open and healthy life when it comes to my friendships with people.

Wow. I can't really explain the relief I feel right now. Before I started writing about my feelings on this blog, I was up to my nose in the water of a sea of secrecy. But, with each step of being open with my friends, the water has receded little by little. I don't have to worry about drowning in my own emotions, anymore. I'm still wading in that sea, but now I'm more in control.

Alright, don't worry, I'll stop with the idiotic metaphors. I guess I just wanted to try and express my relief more clearly. How do you spell a sigh? Hmm...whatever. Once again, wish me luck in talking to Barrett.

Relief vs. Nervousness

2004-08-17T22:47:00.000-04:00

So, after writing yesterday's posts, I'm feeling two strong feelings. The first is relief. It's so relieving to know that you've been honest with yourself, for once, and that you're on the right road to healthier relationships with your friends. The problem is that it's not a complete relief. Why? Because, as of yet, I've only been this unabashedly honest on my blog. I haven't actually seen or talked to either of the people I addressed in yesterday's posts yet, which means I'm going to have to do so tomorrow. If I have the courage for that.

And that leads to the second feeling - nervousness. I'm really nervous about how the people in question will react to my post, if they've read it. Will that affect how comfortable we are around each other? Negatively? And if they haven't read it, then I owe it to them to talk to them about it to their faces, which has got to be ten times harder than typing it. And if I was scared to death to push that "publish post" button yesterday, how much scarier is it going to be to actually say those things to their faces??

But, as neither of them are online, I can't take the easy way out by talking to them via instant messenger. Instead, I'll just have to summon up the courage that comes with trying to be a true, honest friend. And I'm trusting that once I do talk to them, it'll show up in the improvement of my friendship with each. I sure hope so anyway, because otherwise I must be terribly stupid to post all these ramblings, huh?

Is there such a thing as being too honest? Too blunt? Sometimes I think so, but not right now. I can't think so right now. It's like when you've just jumped off a cliff, and then reconsider whether to go through with it in midair. It's too late. The damage is done. So you'll just have to stick to that first decision, and pray that it was a wise one. Although, in this case, I'm hoping I've made a better decision than the stupid idiot jumping off a cliff. Anyway, wish me luck.

Comment!!!

2004-08-16T21:45:00.000-04:00

Come on, people! If you're out there, please comment on my posts so I know I haven't only been writing to myself!

Confessions

2004-08-16T20:59:00.000-04:00

As I was reading what I just posted, I was pretty disappointed with myself. Maybe the real reason for not wanting to post my emotions too freely is that, in my life, I'm unconsciously obsessed with secrets. I try to fool myself, my friends, and the world into believing I do or don't feel certain emotions. Instead of trying to come to terms with my real self, I come to terms with my perception of myself. If I really want to be honest, I should just spill all the stupid feelings I repress daily, and have the courage to reveal any and everything that makes me me.

So here goes. (God, I'm scared to death as I type this!)

Barrett, I liked you for years, but I never had the courage to talk to you about it. You probably knew about that, or you wouldn't have said what you did at prom - about how it's so frustrating when some of your girl friends secretly have crushes on you, which hinders your friendships with them. Well, you were right. It has hindered our friendship, but I don't want it to do so anymore. I hope you'll forgive me for letting that get in the way in the past, but from now on, I really want to make more of an effort to really be your friend. Your friend. I've always thought I got mixed signals from you. Maybe I was wrong. Now I hope I was wrong.

Here's why.

Matt, I know we never actually said any of the official words like "date" or "going out" the other night, but I really did enjoy our date. To tell you the truth, I had always been decided that I only wanted to be friends with you. But since Friday, my feelings have definitely changed. I'm really looking forward to going to the art museum with you, and I'm so glad to have you as a, for lack of a better word at the moment, friend.

Any other confessions to make? I think those are the only two I really had to get off my chest at the moment. And, like I've said, I don't even know that this'll do any good, because I doubt anyone reads this blog. But, at least now, I'm being a little bit more open about myself.

Why Don't I Post More Often?

2004-08-16T20:46:00.000-04:00

I've decided that the reason why I haven't been posting every day is because (besides being lazy) whenever I want to write down my thoughts, they're too personal to put on the web, where anyone can read them. Of course, I'm not even so sure anyone reads this blog, so maybe I shouldn't even worry about it. But even so...

For instance, if I had explained why I wrote that alphapoem I posted the other day, I would be regretting it now, as my feelings have done a 180 in the past few days. But even now, I don't feel like I can write freely on a website. In my journal, yes, but not on the web.

So I guess the only point to having this blog is to post those thoughts which aren't too personal. Although, like I said, when I want to write, it's normally because I want to get that mushy stuff out of my system. Whatever.

AlphaPoem

2004-08-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

I promise I'm not just going to post a poem every day like I've been doing, but I've got one more. I wrote this alphapoem in creative writing today.

All this time, I've wanted to
Be with him. But
Can I, or
Do I,
Ever try to talk to him about it? No. I always
Fail in
Getting my actions to reflect my
Hopeless romanticism. Maybe
I'll
Just
Kind of
Let
Myself
Not
Overstress it. But it
Pains me to
Question these feelings when I
Rely on our
Struggling friendship
Too much already. And
Until I can
Voice these emotions,
What else can I do but
Xtract them from my outside attitude and
Yearn for him with equal
Zeal and loneliness?

Morning Song

2004-08-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

Morning Song
by Sarah Teasdale

A diamond of a morning
Waked me an hour too soon;
Dawn had taken in the stars
And left the faint white moon.

O white moon, you are lonely,
It is the same with me,
But we have the world to roam over,
Only the lonely are free.

Poem of the Day

2004-08-05T21:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I can't say I have much experience with the topic of today's poem, but I think it's beautiful all the same.

Love and Friendship
by Emily Jane Brontë
Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree --
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?
The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?
Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He may still leave thy garland green.

Lazy Me

2004-08-04T21:42:00.000-04:00

Okay, so which excuse should a use for my long lack of posts? Well, I was at band camp all last week, but since then, I've just been plain lazy. Bad excuse, I know, but a classic.

In any case, I'm back now, and I certainly have plenty of time for posting. Until school starts next week, I'm planning on taking full advantage of these last lazy summer days. I've been reading and practicing music to my heart's delight, so all is right with the world for now. Yay. Alright, so I'm headed off for a very late dinner, so toodles for now.

Gorgeous Music

2004-07-23T17:47:00.000-04:00

So right now I'm listening to some orchestral music by Gorecki, a 20th- century, Polish composer. It's called "Symphony of Sorrowful Songs," and rightfully so. Wow. It starts so soft that you can barely hear it, and then very gradually crescendoes, making you feel this huge welling up of emotion. This is the sort of music one should always have at hand when depressed. That may seem weird, because it's such sad music, but it makes sense. Because sometimes, when you're really down, you just want the rest of the world to be sorrowful as well, and listening to this sort of music satisfies that feeling.

That's not to say I'm feeling like that right now, because I'm not. Actually, I'm in a really good mood today. After band practice, some of my band friends and I went over to Ashley's house to make our senior girls t-shirts, which was loads of fun. We reminisced over all our fun band memories and inside jokes, and took some fun group pictures once we had finished making the shirts. So I suppose I'm really in too good a mood to listen to this depressing music, actually. : )

First Post!

2004-07-23T00:56:00.000-04:00

Yay! My first post ever! How loverely. So, I'm in the middle of pre-band camp this week (don't you dare laugh!), and it's going pretty well. I've got to admit, there are still hints of attitude problems among the colorguard, but hopefully we'll work through that later. In any case, it's going pretty well, and I think it's gonna be a really good show.

Of course, once band camp ends, that will mean only one week before school starts! But maybe that's a good thing. True, I absolutely hated school at the end of last year, but this is a whole new year. And it's my senior year - the last stretch before I'm done with high school!!!! Sigh, maybe I should get past these symptoms of Senioritis for a little while, anyway. Riiight.....that's doubtful. Anywho, I guess, all in all, I'm glad the school year's almost here, so I can have some more variety in my life than I have right now.